Uncetain Love

I had this experience that I thought I made the right decision;
Perhaps, I haven't into such a certain serious relationship
before. You may laugh at me, but that's the real score; I always
get failed to be in a relationship with my own fault also. I am
so childish that so afraid to get hurt and get committed in a
certain relationship.

Maybe this is the fruit I gained from being so idiot I guess,
as I can call myself for being so annoying to have this character.
Maybe I was just happy being single and free. I can go to places
I like that no need ask permission to someone. I felt too much
love in the family or that's the reason why I didn't look for a
partner. My mom do ask sometimes if I got gf, but i usually tell
them got some crushes and some dates but haven't been into it.

There was a time in my college life wherein I deeply in love to
a girl that I told her then what I have felt for her, but then
I failed, and after that I felt too much pain. that I thought I
can't handle to overcome, but I had able to though it took for a
long time. In my healing process, there where times I had been
fallen by the looks and attitudes of some girls but different to
the girl I that hurt me most.

It's kind a puppy love? Is that what you call it, I never felt love
at all only infatuation, i guess. Until I graduate, I keep on dating
to girls I feel so comfortable, until such time I have dated one girl
who been a long time txtmate. I feel so comfortable to her, we had
endearment to each other.

I call here shabby or shabz. She's not the only girl I gave and
endearment;they were two of them. The other girl, I call here FAB, endearment that I thought will came out in the market
as a juice drink. Back to shabz, I have dated her twice I guess but only once
we had a proper date i guess. I was quite like her at first date
we had, so I consider her as the closest text mate and friend. We change
gift on our second date.. I gave her a ring and necklace. In return,
she gave me yellow long sleeve as what I asked from her..

I was happy for the type of friendship we've built. Until such time this
year, I alone and felt so mesmerizing of the things happened to me
from the past year, she texted me, then i replied that I was drunk,
but then she replied until I made up my mind to try to have a
relationship with her since I am comfortable to maybe in this way
I will be able to love here in the process.

She's not difficult to be love cause I already like here as being
herself. The next day she texted me regarding to what I propose to
her, so I told here I am serious, then, still trying to act as I
was been drunk last night. Then aster that we become officially on.
I didn't feel excited and happy, It's sounds so annoying to myself
to feel that way, but I thought I was just surprise.

Then days come running down, I'm counting day after day, I shared
it with one of my closest friend, ask him if I was just acting normally
or just acted badly when I didn't felt excited the time we become
officially on with shabz. He told me that it sounds so ridiculous, he
advice me if it continued that I will not feel excited day by day while
on relationship, it's better to let go of the girl than to hurt her more.
So one night I think it over and over again. I figure out that I let
myself becoming far away from her, since I never have time texting here,
nor give time to have a date as an officially on couple.

We had last the relationship for a week, when consult my conscience about
what I had got into. I then realized that I am not happy in our relationship,
cause I just let myself drowned by wrong perception about love. Hahhhhhh!!
I can't stand feeling this way so on the 10th day of our relationship from
the very day we become officially on, I ask her permission to end up our relationship, and I gave her the reasons why.

The breaking was quite unexplainable, I felt very mad to myself and so
alone after break up. I was still thinking How I end up, when in some
way I did not made my best to make the relationship go romantic and
blooming. But despite of the breakup I found myself happy that I felt
again the feeling of being comfortable to her, the way I had for her for
a long time already. I guess she's may not be the girl to be my wife
but she's always be a good-friend that I am comfortable to be with for
a long time..

I may sound so selfish and arrogant for acting and doing such thing,
I know it's really not appropriate for trying yourself to love to a
person you thought you can learn to love in a process.. I may be so
bad after all, but one thing for sure I learned in life..

Don't let your self experiment a certain thing that may end up hurting both parties
and don't be so rush on a decision for it may cost a lot of pain after all...

After all, I regards this event as good experience to share and to learn also..
An experience that will always be a part of me..

Hope you learn something in my experience...